This Open Letter series features stories written by our own associates to highlight their experiences within the LGBTQ+ community.
There wasn’t a singular moment in my life where I realized I was nonbinary. My experience as a queer and nonbinary person has always felt ordinary to me. It’s always just felt like me. Before coming out at the beginning of 2020, I wasn’t sure how to articulate my identity in a way that made sense to me. I felt as though all my life people have tried to put me in boxes where I didn’t belong.
When I was a kid, I was always described as a “tomboy”; I wore conventionally “masculine” clothes, played every sport my school offered, and was physically bigger than the rest of the girls in my class. In the fifth grade, I decided to raise money to shave my head, so that I could donate my long curly hair to make a wig for a child living with hair loss due to cancer treatments. At the time, I just perceived this small act as a nice thing to do for someone else – it was just hair, it would grow back!
When I arrived at school the next day with my new ‘do, I was bombarded with questions about where my hair went and why I would do such a thing. I got comments such as “you looked so much better with long hair” and “you look even more like a boy now.” Because of my androgynous features and my shaved head, I was often mistaken for a boy. At restaurants the waiters would call me sir, I was asked to leave a women’s restroom because I was “in the wrong one,” and was bullied by my classmates for the way I looked. Even members of my family poked fun at my appearance and held a running joke where the punchline was misgendering me. They meant no harm, but they didn’t realize how these comments affected my self-esteem and my perception of my identity at 12 years old. Because of this situation, I was now painfully aware of the gender binary and was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the gendered language that was constantly being directed towards me.
During this time, I often cried at night, feeling hopeless about the way I looked and how I was perceived by others. Why couldn’t I just present myself in a way that felt comfortable without being ridiculed? Why did I have to be labeled? Why did I have to follow the standards that were set for girls? At the time, I was unaware that I was allowed to explore my identity. Attending a private catholic school only caused me to suppress my feelings further. I remember one day while attending confession, the church ushers handed out literature to all the students; it was a list of items that we could confess to. Near the top of the list was “homosexual thoughts or engaging in homosexual media.” Being fed this information at a young age definitely hindered my personal growth and prevented me from exploring my full self.
When I was about 14 and my hair was back, I decided to explore what I thought was my feminine side. I did the things I thought women were supposed to do – I got into fashion, shopping, and makeup. When I changed my appearance to present more “feminine,” I was shocked at how differently I was treated by my peers. There were no more tomboy or boyish comments. While I genuinely enjoyed the new hobbies I had picked up, I was uncomfortable with how quickly this shift occurred because I felt like I was still the same person as before. The only thing that really changed was how others treated me.
Through local LGBTQ+ sources and online communities, I discovered the term nonbinary and instantly felt something click in my head. I knew all along that the construct of the gender binary was BS, and I finally realized my identity doesn’t have to recognize these societal rules that have been set for men and women to adhere to. One common misconception about nonbinary folks is that they ALL use they/them pronouns. While many nonbinary people prefer these pronouns, I am open to any pronouns (he/she/they) as I feel comfortable reclaiming the gendered language that was once used against me when I was younger.
Finding a space where I felt comfortable was so important for my growth in the LGBTQ+ community. I’ve met so many amazing nonbinary and gender non-conforming individuals who have helped guide me on my journey to become my most authentic self. Now, I feel the freedom to live my life as truthfully as possible without letting our overly gendered society hold me back.
By Rachel Durbin, Rue Staff
